'Beetlejuice Beetlejuice' briefing

2 (out of 4)

            The legacysequel is already as tired as all the latest, laziest cinematic trends, the live action Disney reboots (Burton gets in some digs at the mouse despite just coming off Dumbo), the soulless spin-offs (he also had a firm hand in the Wednesday show), the prequel-sequels and whatever else have you. With Beetlejuice Squared, Burton seemingly could be making a sequel to any of his early, cherished features — this may as well be Edward Scissorhands 2, OK I admit it has gotta be a better bad idea than reviving Pee Wee or Mars Attacks.
 
But this is no Top Gun: Maverick, this is like the straight-to-streaming sequel Coming 2 America, and I haven’t seen that Hocus Pocus sequel but it couldn’t have been far off either. I heard they cut Burton’s budget and weren’t even planning to show this in theaters, god ghouly gosh are you allergic to money WB? Something about this screamed Netflix (even without characters outright referencing it) and it’s because he actually wasted time making up for all the Addams Family projects he didn't direct? Whatever, so your new Winona Ryder (going from goth cutie to goth mom with permanent anxiousness plastered across her face) is Jenna Ortega, who of course Burton loves since she’s as gaunt, pale and passively pretty as his movies demand. “Oh no Helena they didn’t like me saying black people don’t fit my vibe… uh how bout the ‘soul train,’ eh? Nothing?”

But between the heavy CGI in spite of a light budget and a meandering story that doesn’t lend itself to a full pitch let alone a complete narrative, it’s hard to get on board with what amounts to his most negligible endeavor in awhile, like almost grazing Alice in Wonderland awful — somehow Dumbo had more heart, Ms. Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children at least had some stretches of novelty, Big Eyes was acceptable Oscar bait and both Dark Shadows and Frankenweenie (from silly TV adaptation to personal adaptation of a animated passion project) were obviously more attuned to Tim’s gothic gifts. Even after just few collaborations with Bruno Delbonnel, Burton’s movies started gliding by on a residual blue-grey glaze.

The sum of Beetlejuice Beetlejuice falls well short of a full functioning motion picture, but Michael Keaton has some fun even if his colorful undead grifter was formerly a more memorable part of a better ensemble. Beyond writing so slight and telegraphed, this cast is rough, with Burton using stop motion to write around sex offender Jeffrey Jones' character, using the Charles Deetz’s death by shark attack to incite a laughably thin plot. Catherine O’Hara is always stealing scenes as the pricelessly prepossessed artist Delia, Ryder’s looking constipated, obviously Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis are nowhere to be seen and Ortega, sorry dear but you’ve been typecast by twenty-two — there’s got to be more to this girl than bags under the eyes. Arthur Conti is the best of far too many villains when Beetlejuice is right there and you're utterly wasting both Willem Dafoe goofing about as a dead actor and the vengeful, cobbled ex of BJ incarnated by Monica Belluci, all too reminiscent of better Burton characters from Nightmare Before Christmas and Corpse Bride — same goes for Justin Theroux whose loathsome character is given scene after scene of grim comic nothingness.

But Burton is still who he is — there’s enough mischief in the macabre, hell I’ll even call that Mario Bava/Black Sunday riff a stirring homage. If only this late sequel didn’t have to inherit, reinterpret or freshly exposit EVERY DAMN THING from the original movie without outright remaking it (so much lip-syncing! ooh that giant clay snake). All for a movie that is stretched, tedious, overpopulated and sorely lacking in the silly-spookiness that has made the 1986 original one of the enduring gems of Tim’s entire oeuvre.

Of course I’ll take Ed Wood any day, and I feel as though his most recent to-be-topped near-masterpieces were Sweeney Todd and Corpse Bride. This is a sad retread, theoretically and sporadically amusing but largely a misuse of talent in the name of easy fall season bankability. As far as all-ages horror, (the mode that he prides himself on most, me I got a serious soft spot for Sleepy Hollow) Beetlejuice Beetlejuice could be so much worse, but if you want to let your kids get goosebumps you would never start here — despite any ultimate crossover to digital, you can easily use this and the original as a pretty stark, depressing before and after of the career of an emo filmmaker rock star. Not even Depp could've saved this (he may need saving actually), if Keaton somehow couldn’t.